Well I have to say that today I didn't exactly stick to my goals. I had baked zitti with a slice of pizza and a pink lemonade. I mean that was for lunch, and let me tell you that cheese was like finding water in the desert. Every bight was like cold water on a thirsty tongue. Now I did have oat meal for breakfast which was 180 calories and I had dinner which was two scoops of rice two scoops of lintel and broccoli. I jogged and I did weight work outs as well. Now I don't know if that counts for anything, but like America's dust mites they see the bad and not the good in me. So go ahead punish me for being human and trying to do anything to just be happy. Punish me for taking every day as it comes, and trying to take each day and each moment with a grain of salt. Am I taking this moment with a grain of salt................... well maybe with a half a grain of salt.
    I wanted to talk to you guys( Guys= dust that surrounds your computer) about what I wanted to award myself at the end of this entire year and all. I wanted to award myself with a tattoo that I have been looking to get since I was 15. I want to get this tattoo on my 18th birthday, and I want it to be a pink and purple lotus. Why I want a lotus you ( you cute little dust mites)ask? Well because my grandfather use to have a pendent  that was a lotus. I use to draw a lotus when ever I felt down or felt scared or angry because it made me feel closer to him. I soon found that this flower means a lot in other religions ( mostly the Buddhist and the Egyptians). I soon found out many years later that the lotus meant so many good things that I knew I had to get it.
      Now I know what you may be thinking, from what I did today I won't be awarding myself much. Well your wrong, I have been in and out of the hospital and I have been taking medication for a while now. So in other words these medicines(such a steroids in the medicines) are blowing up and making me hold water. No pretty story I can tell, I can also say that the steroids in the medicines make me have mood swings, stops my period, and makes me eat more. Now what do I mean when I say eat more, my body wants more snacks then normal. I even have bad heart burn, which really sucks, but your damned if you do and your damned if you don't.
    Any way enough with the sob story, this is something I am setting out to do and I want this. I need to see something change after 10 years, I can't stay like this much longer. I will stop here and I will give myself time to think about tomorrow and stuff. Bye my little dust mites!

     Well I have to say for day one I am doing pretty damn good for myself. So let me tell you how my day got start and how I want to achieve my goals. First let me start off by saying that I had 1,600 calories today and and I had cheese ,french fries, and I had pasta as well. I ate three meals and had mostly water and fruits for snacks. Then I kicked ass on Zumba and I ran for about three minutes.
    I mean I feel really proud of myself I just feel like my goals are going to coming even soon then I think. I woke up and I had oat meal and then I had pasta for lunch and then I had grilled cheese sandwiches and french fries. Now mind you, this is all made from home and done under my roof in my kitchen. I didn't go outside and eat this stuff( NO WAY). Every meal was portioned and measured before eating( and I drank water to keep that calories under control). I even had a piece of chocolate before I went to the gym to start working out and I had chips after lunch. I mean I feel great and I feel super proud of myself, I feel like I can take the world with a can of beer in one hand and a magazine of got men in another.
      Now you may be thinking "why the F&*@ are so happy about this?" (no cursing for you mom). Well let me tell you I have achieved something, and it didn't feel like work doing it. I felt like it just came naturally and all I had to do was just follow my body and not my mind. This is wonderful, because it makes me feel like if I could do this well today then what can I do tomorrow or a year from now. I will reach my goal in no time and I am having fun doing it as well. I even had cravings for chocolate cupcakes and mac and cheese with potato wedges, but I had to walk away( because I wasn't about to pay for them). Also I want to say that I want to thank my sister because she totally helped me with this whole eating thing. I mean if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be sitting here so proud.
    Plus I also want to clear some stuff up about my goals and plans for this year with my weight. I want to loose weight and get to 185 and keep it at the weight. I don't want to keep loosing if it is not needed, I mean I want to look and feel like I am 140 but have a little weight. I also want to say that the food thing  was planned and that I ate the food that was in the house and used what I had. Plus to stop myself from wanting more food I changed my attitude and I thought more positive. Which for the record is a really big help when you try it for yourself. Now I am going to stop here and just think about my day and think about tomorrow so I can get my mind prepared for these goals again. BYE!

P.S I am splurging on the weekend if I do well this week, and every month then on will be one day I can splurge till it is none.
 

Okay I have something I wish to share( and something I came up with this morning). I will set a goal for me to loose weight, and here is how it will go. I will give my self a years time, where I will tell you everything( even down to the things I eat and drink). I will tell you how I feel and what I am going to do even why I did those things. I want you all to be apart of this with me as I fight to go from 238 pounds to at least 190 maybe 185. Please let others know about this, I want to do this. AS OF TODAY MONDAY AUGUST 30TH!!! I will loose at least 58 pounds and if not you will have to give me a punishment. Okay here I go! wish me luck!

P.S I will try to post something to you guys every single day, but if I can't don't get mad I will get back on track :)

    Well let me see......... I was talking to a guy on a traveling blog and he really told me off. I was surprised because most of the time I tell people off, they don't tell me off(Other than my parents). He told me that I was a big baby and that I should really stop complaining. While I was tearing at the computer like some three year old taken from their lolly pop........... I replied. But what was I going to say back to him" Hey I didn't like what you said to me, TAKE IT BACCCCKKK!"
  I was stumped and it wasn't funny, so I simply wrote a stupid message and got my ass handed to me. To think that someone could read my blog once and could point out all my faults. I mean it's scary, and that is a light word for what I am feeling right now. Plus to add to it I was reading the message he sent to me to my sister. She simply told me that he was simply doing what I do EVERY SINGLE DAY! I was shocked, but I had to swallow my pride and admit to it. So instead of complaining every single time on this blog, I will mention on all the good that happens in my day. So Today................................ well I won't start today because today was not a good day NOT AT ALL! So I will start tomorrow and I will have something good to say. GOD THIS IS TOTAL SHIT! Sorry I had to get that all out. BYE. 

  Well lets see, to add to my wonderful day I went to the gym. I danced at Zoomba and I ran for about three minutes( which is better then last month). I was pumped and I was ready to take the world. Then I had a crash and My mood went south before you knew it( and before I knew it). I went home and I made two sandwiches and placed three handful of lightly salted chips on my plate( which was like heaven). Then after eating my dinner I ate two Zingers( which was like I died and went to heaven). And to think I was willing to go back into the kitchen and stuff my face with more CHIPS! And to make it worse my mother told me the great news, she lost 10 whole pounds. And to think that I myself could have lost the same thing I stepped my big blubbery butt on the scale and was sadly giving my weight( 238 pounds from 240).
     Sometimes I totally feel like everything I am doing isn't doing anything. I work out and eat and eat and lay down, trying to muster the strength to get up on each commercial. In total my muscles won't move and I lay there looking at the television /computer and wish for a more perkier self. Of course when I tell my mom she thinks that I should look to the brighter side(which I really really don't want to). So I slither into the next room to bight my next victim who doesn't have a strong enough immune system to fight me off. And then I go to sleep thinking about my future and how I want to do the impossible and be adventures,but I turn around and relies I can't even workout much less eat right. I have to be told about a thousand times not to sneak Swiss cheese out of the fridge and eat it in the corner like some dog with rabies. I am beginning to think that all I am going to do is sit here and type to the air and work a 9-5 with three kids and a fuck for a husband. I am imposing the kids and the husband part of course, but it seemed like it went along with what I was talking about. Any way I am sitting her pouring my guts to you ( the air) and you don't even read this.
      Sometimes I feel like this is one big journal of disappointment for me to allow myself to vent to nothing but open SPACE! Like the stars are reading my blog in utter silence as I sit here fighting myself to just be more active and more up beat. And to think I was once a flower child who saw the world as one big happy family that do no harm to each other. Sadly after 17 years that is not so at all, (sigh) can you tell I am down? Sure you can't, you sit there reading my blog as your eyes cross and you turn to something else. Yeah I know what you mean HBO is much more entertaining then me. And for the record I am watching HBO as I and the dust speak. (sigh) I will stop and allow you to pull your eyes straight as I sit here and wallow in my pity watching Julie & Julia. Melka Kai Hai ( if I am saying it right, it means in Hindi - see you tomorrow) :)

Today I was fitting with my computer to get this stupid song on my phone( which by the way, wasn't even worth it) and then I started to just play around on the Internet. So as I was playing on the Internet, I thought about my email and and I thought about maybe my dream man will message me or something. So I fly across the Internet to get to my email, I sign in and wait to be surprised.

Sadly enough all I had in my email was junk mail and dating sites. Which didn't make me feel any better, I guess you can say I am the type of girl who wants to be a princess and waits for her knight in shining armor. Except I want to be a princess that lives in a creepy old castle where when the doors slam it sounds like haunting laughs and my knight to be (half naked) dark and a mastery, yet has a body to die for. Plus he can't be some emotional pussy he has to be someone that will kill all that stands in his way just to get to me.
       Can you see why I am not getting emails from my knight in dark armor? Yeah I thought so too, any way I am sitting here on my bed( which hurts) and typing to you ( for which I don't eve know why). I guess I will stop here and talk to ( no one) later.

Well I have a good one for you today, or what ever. I was sitting in the library going over my language lessons(Hindi) and I found that I was learning a lot. I mean I should learn Hindi because everyone thinks I am Hindu. So any way I learned all I needed to learn and then when my sister asked me to tell her what I learned, I got tongue tide. Not to mention that everything I learned just flew out my head.This was not good at all.
      So instead of solving the problem I went away into my own world . And then I thought about my blog and what I should say. Well I thought about telling you guys what I have been thinking, but that would just be long and drawn out. Not to mention you wouldn't give a shit. So Instead I wanted to talk to you guys (the lint sitting at your computer) about what I rather not like when boy do ______.
    One of the biggest things I don't like is when you see a guy walking around and all of a sudden his pants are bellow his butt. People this  is simply saying that you have a sagging brain if you could possibly walk around with this on. And there are either two reasons for why they are doing this 1) they don't have a father 2) their father is just as bad as the boys who are walking around with their pants down.
    Now I am not saying that I want their pants all the way up to their throats and their shirts tucked in their pants. NO! I mean I want them to have their own styles and be able to be them, not walking around coping music videos and what they wear. The girls are the same, I mean does any one have their own styles, their own identity?  Maybe it's just me but when I see that I just want to kick them in the balls. I mean what would it take to just pull up your pants. Then they wonder why I am such a bitch to them when they talk to me(IN MY MIND). I am going to stop here because I am going to EAT!!!! Bye

Now you must be asking why do I look like this, right? Well let me tell you why I am feel and looking like this. I am bored out of my mind right now and not to mention I am in pain. I told you that I went to see Eat,Pray,Love, which I did read the book. I hate seeing movies like that because I start to want to set out and do just what they did in the movie. I want to have an adventure that no human could possibly think of. I want it to be fun and exciting and just a blow my mind adventure. No I am sitting here sulking in my own self pity with nothing to my name but the skivvies on my butt. I wanted to write something to you because I felt that writing would release what I am feeling. But instead it is simply making me angry all over again. I don't even know why I am even writing this to tell you the truth ladies and gentlemen(who are really there but in my mind, joke). I guess I will slip under my old blankets and dream about a life and adventure that I want to have. By the way Zoomba that I take at the gym KICKED MY ASS. I mean it knocked me out to a whole other ball park. Hey what can I say I am different and special all rapped up into a teenagers body, what a life. BYE

Well I went to see the movie Eat,Pray,Love, which was the book the I read. I hate when I watch these movies, because it makes me want to travel and accomplish my dreams. I am not sure I even want to talk right now. I feel like crap and I just want to curl up in a ball and just sleep. I am going to stop here, bye!

Well as everyday I have a story that will knock your socks off with utter laughter. As you sit there with no clue what to do next but scroll down to find more stories to laugh your socks off.
   Today............well lets just say it wasn't as fun as my other days, it rained just to let you know. But for you ( my none readers) I will try to make it as funny as possible. lets see.........as I sit here cleaning off the finger prints off my glasses. Oh.... I have one, today as I was making my runs with my mom to pay some bills I went away into my imagination, to do nothing more then to imagine what I don't have(who doesn't ?). As I was in my imagination I began to think about my life and me traveling around the world. Just taking my time( my sweet ass time) and doing nothing but for me. But all this came tumbling down when I felt absolute hell called Georgia and I was starving for a cheese burger with fries. Now you may be wondering why I would be wanting something like this. Well let me tell you my mother and sister got me on this thing that I can't eat cheese or dairy( like the two are different). Oh and let me tell you, you think that's bad I can't eat fake sugar( like it makes a difference it's all fake shit). I am practically having a melt down telling you this shit that I am going through each day. So any way I wanted a cheese burger because my sister made lunch for us, that's not the problem, the problem is this vegan bullshit tastes none other than shit!
     I hate it, I love the fact that my sister cared enough to feed my picky junk food loving stomach but this is a mess. I am getting to the point where I want to take five grenades two AK47s and a rocket launcher and high jack burger king, Mac daddies, and Olive Garden. I mean yes I know that cheese and dairy isn't good for me but I mean does this shit have to be so hard? What I could do for some Ice cream right now, I mean I hate mint ice cream but at the rate I am going I would take that and be happy. Does it sound like I am complaining to you? Good because that is what I am fucking doing!
      I am going to stop here before I start crying at the computer and kill everyone in my family just to eat the last meat ball in the fridge. That I re-framed myself from eating because I spent two hours cooking it, that's my curse for being such a great cook. By the way I am watching Julie and Julia, and it makes me want to eat everything that they are cooking.
P.S I haven't eating meat in three years, so that tells you how I am over this shit.    



OMG IT'S A MIRACLE I JUST HAD A ZINGER AND IT TASTE LIKE HEAVEN, LIKE I WENT TO HEAVEN AND DIDN'T COME BACK!!!! I NEED A MOMENT BYE!

:) happy to write everyday

Where to begin with my post today, hmm perhaps I can start with my crappy dancing that I displayed at the gym. Yes lets start with that subject for today. I came into the gym with high hopes I would buck up and start doing my workout and not play around( which didn't happen). I got my gym gear on, made my way down to the cinema, where they play music videos or movies while you are working out. I got on the treadmill and I started my speed-walking to get me warmed up to a song by B.o.B "beautiful girls. While I was gasping for breath like a fish I was challenged to dance with my sister( by my sister). We changed the song to usher " Love you down" and I watched my sister dance like she was in a club. As I was watching her dance as if she was dancing her entire life, I began to want to dance as well. As I started to grow this image of myself doing the same thing, I threw myself under the bus (or should I say under the treadmill). I began dancing while my sister was watching me and I looked like I was moving to get out of the way of bullets being fired at me not dancing. Now I know that there are things I am just not that good at( like exercising) but to think that trying to come up with a dance move out of the blue was so hard just made me feel worse. I stopped dancing once I realized that I was looking like I was dying and just sat down on the bikes. Of course another song came on and again I watched my sister dance better then I could have imagined and I of course began this imagination of what I could do to be even in her league. So I got up again to begin dance and all I could see was my limbs struggling to connect what I was thinking to reality. Also watching my sister's face as I was struggling to stay afloat on the dance floor made me stop all together. So after my sister stopped she asked me to keep going and I did( like an idiot), still squirming like a worm that was frying in the hot sun, I did my best to dance.
                   After dancing for about three minutes( which wasn't dancing just legs and arms moving) I told my sister I was done and sat down. She no doubt she asked me to me to dance again(but this time I learned my lesson) I said no. She other wise got frustrated with telling me that I wasn't trying and that I was caring to much what she thought about and called me a pussy. Now being called a pussy wasn't the problem because I have been called fat Indian, lesbian shit head and so on, but the fact that my sister completely saw past the fact that I looked like I was dying up there dancing, telling me that I wasn't trying hit me like a brick. With all my efforts to even try to dance was completely looked passed.
      After my utter shock I left the cinema and went upstairs to shower off the humiliation. While I was on my way to the shower my mom was talking about how she spent 40 minutes working out as I was dancing downstairs like a fool. I went to my locker and begin showering. After my shower I spent at least twenty minutes putting on and off shirts by my mom because the shirt I brought was too tight and completely didn't go with my whole outfit (something else to prove that I have no skills in fashion). After that I brushed my hair and saw a water bug crawling( like my weird self)so I followed it. Until my sister and my mom paused right in the middle of what they were doing and completely stared at me acting like a three year old. Looking at them(trying to laugh it off)  I went back to what I was doing, and now I am sitting here in this chair typing to you because......well it seems right. I think I will stop here and allow you to soak in what I just wrote. Bye :)

I was sitting here eating my lunch in Panera breads doing nothing but working( writing articles for my mom) and checking my email( junk mail). I deleted all the mail that asked me if I wanted a credit card, if I was single, and lets not forget the ones that tell you that you need an education. I saw an email telling me that I should check my blog, where I pour my heart out. So I did as I was told by the all mighty email and I went to my blog to find out that I had five followers. Now please don't look at the pictures as me showing you a screen shot of the followers because that is not what it looks like. This picture that I found was something in my imagination.

Any way I saw that I had four comments and five followers and I couldn't believe it. Who would have known that a girl like me that can't keep stains off her shirt worth her life and gets hit on by more guys who don't take a shower then most do and watches Kong Fu Panda and Madagascar 2 African in her spare time would get five followers so soon. I mean this was something big for me, not just that you guys are reading my blog but that you guys actually care or should I say give a shit. I think that has a lot to do with me search on end about how to get more followers and stuff.
      In all I am trying to say that I thank you guys a lot for following me and giving me support on something that I have a passion for. Soon I will be traveling and then you guys won't be bored to death with my creepy dream stories about bugs and dead people. :) thanks again

I have just came from the gym from one of the 12:00p.m yoga classes and I still feel like shit after all that. I mean part of it didn't help that I was the biggest person in the whole class( with a glass of 40 years old and over). My sister joined me as well for support and well to let off steam with me. So let me tell you how it all got started and how I came to feel the way  do now.
        Me and my mother was not on the same page in the beginning of the day so we choose to let off some steam at the gym.

     
So I go into the yoga room and sit there annoyed all ready and everyone comes in and the teacher does as well. I begin my yoga session with being the biggest and tallest lady in the room. I bend over and my booty is mooning everyone behind me. Then I lay down on my stomach and look in the mirror in front of me and it looked like I borrowed my brothers football gear and hid it under my shirt. My shoulders were huge and I have to say my stomach was no pretty site at all. And at the end of the class I went back to focusing on the apple we were told to focus on and that just made me mad. Thinking about how I will come home and not have any.
           Sooo after all that I went home and started reading my National Geographic magazines (that I have read ten-thousand times) and I began to relax the more I read. Well nothing like a pointless work out to make you see that staying home would have made you much happier in the beginning. I think I will stop here and focus on something else to get through the day, bye!
      

Today I was reading one of my National geographic magazines (travelers issue) and I saw some of the foods that are in different countries that made me think. Now if you know me then you know that I love food with a passion. So thinking about other countries food makes me wonder, what would chinese dumplings taste like? This was just one question out of the hundreds of question that I have and that I thought about.

(getting off subject) I was in the book store grabbing my usual fix of travel magazines, when I had something happen to me. I was reading one of the magazines and the advertisements for the magazine fell out. Now I know to you this is nothing amazing but for a split second I thought about, what if I picked up a magazine and the thing that fell out was a piece of old paper from some other culture? Or maybe a small book that had writing from a dead language that just happened to fall into my lap. Of course as I was searching through the travel magazines this did not happen. So to take my mind of the disappointing fantasy that I was in I started reading the magazines.
Thus after a while I began to get bored and I wondered over to the books and started seeing what I could read over there. Soon I saw one about an African-American slave who sold her body to rich men (secretly) to live. Then I saw another book about Cleopatra's daughter and how she was a slave and was fighting to save her life(boring). I mean I don't have to read these books to know the story I can simply go to the projects to find these stories. So I scaled down to find nothing but the dust on the book cases to be more interesting than the books.
In conclusion I drifted over to the toys that was way more interesting to me than the books, but the people staring at me like I was a mental case wasn't fun. But I have come to know that I do a lot of things differently than others and that I really don't care what others think about me. I mean I have done things that people would find to be uncool but who cares what they think. I mean after being in the hospital and traveling my whole life I have become numb to what people think of me.

I also have been having night mares like crazy these last few days, they have been of people dyeing and monsters of sorts. I mean these don't scare me or scar me in any way I have had these dreams long enough to no care but they are becoming out of hand. I see people dyeing and it's not them dropping dead I mean guts and blood and bones and everything. Like last night I was in a dream where I was eating at a table with this woman and she told me to turn around, I did as was told and saw this young boy being cut to death by this man with a chain saw. It wasn't frightening but I had to find a way to stop him from being hurt so when I went to get up I was stuck to the chair and I couldn't move. I looked back at the woman and she just smiles as if I was next on the chopping block. And then I woke up , these dreams don't scare me but they do make me become distant from people who are around me. Some find me to be weird of different and they really don't like that very much.

Any way that was a little too much to be letting you know so I am going to stop here, and until next time keep the peace losers. lol

Now I have been traveling since I could poop for the first time, and nothing says traveling like a road trip. Now what better road trip then to California. But what happens along the way there? That something most people don't tell you about. I live in Georgia and I take root 66 to california all the time. But good old fashion root 66 isn't all desert and fun, there is more there then meets the eye.
I have been to towns you only thought was in movies, I mean scary movies. And there is nothing pretty about them when you are an African America coming through those parts. Sometimes when you are making your way from the east to the west you will see the change in scenery. You can come from trees on end to dry hot desert in its finest hour. And sometimes you won't even see a glimpse of a town for miles on end. And when you do come to a town out in the middle of hell, you can tell it's nothing like where you have come from.

I'm not trying to scare you in any way possible I am just talking about what I saw and what I went through. I mean I have traveled all of the south and east and west part of the United states. But now it is time to share with you the best parts about me traveling back and forth through the hot and dry plummet of death. I think one of the best parts of traveling in the desert is when you come upon a town you wouldn't think could survive in the desert.
Like this one time I was traveling with my family, mom and dad sitting in the front sister sitting in the back sleeping. Then there is me trying to shift to relieve my long legs from the cramp position I have been sitting in for the last three hours. I stare out the window in a complete daze wondering what my life could have been like if I jumped out of the car right at that moment. But staring at nothing but red boiling hot mountains and dry desert, I begin to come out of that daze and shift my attention to something else. Soon after hearing my mom and dad talking about nothing but what happen in the past, I see a town with Casinos and Hotles and everything you would find in a TOWN. Then after three minutes your back to the same old thing, I guess that is what makes traveling so fun. To come upon the unknown and find something you would even Imagine lived out in something like the desert, and then to disappear as if it never existed. That is my post for today

This has nothing to do with woman sipping drinks in a bar in Paris, or sun bathing in bathing suits. This has everything to do with people traveling, people from other countries traveling in places they never thought of traveling to. Well that is the goal at least, this blog is also about how I ( a 17 year old African American girl travels to different places) can travel and help you see new things.

I was in the book store a few days ago and I picked up every single traveling magazine that I could get my hands on. And my heart just fell from seeing not only was there very little traveling stories about other cultures traveling, it had mostly (Please forgive me for saying this) White people in them. I don't hate any race and I feel everyone should be equal and one, but when you see one skin tone makes you feel left out. But when you do see African Americans traveling it's mostly to the places that you have already seen, like the south or new york. I want to see Asians traveling around the world, I want to see African Americans traveling around the world. I want to see every culture traveling around the world.
So this is why I am writing this blog because that is my main focus and that is what I want to target for people like you and me. So soon I will have my youtube channel will have videos of traveling tips and other things to help travelers and this blog will have travel stories and pictures for you to see. I mean it's a mile stone that I wish to bring out in the open and bring to your computer screen my little mushrooms.
Now I am not a girl who lives in the ghetto and eats fried chicken everyday wishing everyday that I could meet my baby daddy. I am a girl with big dreams and high hopes of being an independent woman. I Don't see color I just see the way you treat people and the manner in which you do it. I hope you enjoy my blog because I know I will enjoy sharing with you.