Well I have to say that today I didn't exactly stick to my goals. I had baked zitti with a slice of pizza and a pink lemonade. I mean that was for lunch, and let me tell you that cheese was like finding water in the desert. Every bight was like cold water on a thirsty tongue. Now I did have oat meal for breakfast which was 180 calories and I had dinner which was two scoops of rice two scoops of lintel and broccoli. I jogged and I did weight work outs as well. Now I don't know if that counts for anything, but like America's dust mites they see the bad and not the good in me. So go ahead punish me for being human and trying to do anything to just be happy. Punish me for taking every day as it comes, and trying to take each day and each moment with a grain of salt. Am I taking this moment with a grain of salt................... well maybe with a half a grain of salt.
    I wanted to talk to you guys( Guys= dust that surrounds your computer) about what I wanted to award myself at the end of this entire year and all. I wanted to award myself with a tattoo that I have been looking to get since I was 15. I want to get this tattoo on my 18th birthday, and I want it to be a pink and purple lotus. Why I want a lotus you ( you cute little dust mites)ask? Well because my grandfather use to have a pendent  that was a lotus. I use to draw a lotus when ever I felt down or felt scared or angry because it made me feel closer to him. I soon found that this flower means a lot in other religions ( mostly the Buddhist and the Egyptians). I soon found out many years later that the lotus meant so many good things that I knew I had to get it.
      Now I know what you may be thinking, from what I did today I won't be awarding myself much. Well your wrong, I have been in and out of the hospital and I have been taking medication for a while now. So in other words these medicines(such a steroids in the medicines) are blowing up and making me hold water. No pretty story I can tell, I can also say that the steroids in the medicines make me have mood swings, stops my period, and makes me eat more. Now what do I mean when I say eat more, my body wants more snacks then normal. I even have bad heart burn, which really sucks, but your damned if you do and your damned if you don't.
    Any way enough with the sob story, this is something I am setting out to do and I want this. I need to see something change after 10 years, I can't stay like this much longer. I will stop here and I will give myself time to think about tomorrow and stuff. Bye my little dust mites!

  Well lets see, to add to my wonderful day I went to the gym. I danced at Zoomba and I ran for about three minutes( which is better then last month). I was pumped and I was ready to take the world. Then I had a crash and My mood went south before you knew it( and before I knew it). I went home and I made two sandwiches and placed three handful of lightly salted chips on my plate( which was like heaven). Then after eating my dinner I ate two Zingers( which was like I died and went to heaven). And to think I was willing to go back into the kitchen and stuff my face with more CHIPS! And to make it worse my mother told me the great news, she lost 10 whole pounds. And to think that I myself could have lost the same thing I stepped my big blubbery butt on the scale and was sadly giving my weight( 238 pounds from 240).
     Sometimes I totally feel like everything I am doing isn't doing anything. I work out and eat and eat and lay down, trying to muster the strength to get up on each commercial. In total my muscles won't move and I lay there looking at the television /computer and wish for a more perkier self. Of course when I tell my mom she thinks that I should look to the brighter side(which I really really don't want to). So I slither into the next room to bight my next victim who doesn't have a strong enough immune system to fight me off. And then I go to sleep thinking about my future and how I want to do the impossible and be adventures,but I turn around and relies I can't even workout much less eat right. I have to be told about a thousand times not to sneak Swiss cheese out of the fridge and eat it in the corner like some dog with rabies. I am beginning to think that all I am going to do is sit here and type to the air and work a 9-5 with three kids and a fuck for a husband. I am imposing the kids and the husband part of course, but it seemed like it went along with what I was talking about. Any way I am sitting her pouring my guts to you ( the air) and you don't even read this.
      Sometimes I feel like this is one big journal of disappointment for me to allow myself to vent to nothing but open SPACE! Like the stars are reading my blog in utter silence as I sit here fighting myself to just be more active and more up beat. And to think I was once a flower child who saw the world as one big happy family that do no harm to each other. Sadly after 17 years that is not so at all, (sigh) can you tell I am down? Sure you can't, you sit there reading my blog as your eyes cross and you turn to something else. Yeah I know what you mean HBO is much more entertaining then me. And for the record I am watching HBO as I and the dust speak. (sigh) I will stop and allow you to pull your eyes straight as I sit here and wallow in my pity watching Julie & Julia. Melka Kai Hai ( if I am saying it right, it means in Hindi - see you tomorrow) :)